“Tell me something you don’t like”, I asked my student.
“I don’t like when things are messy.”
“”Really”, I responded, “why? “
I don’t know.”
“Okay, well, what does it make you feel?”
“You just don’t like it. You prefer when things are in their place, organized, structured?”
“Yes, let’s say I arrive at someone’s house and it’s a mess. I feel like taking a huge garbage bag and shoving it all in! “
I wasn’t really surprised. She works in administration. It’s her job. But also, I surmised, a part of her personality. Someone who likes everything in their right place.
Right place. What a concept! Is it possible we polarize things right down to our belongings?
Reflecting on ideas I’ve been reading from Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, Tsoknyi Rinpoche and from my Authentic Leadership course at university, I mused on that right and wrong reflex we develop from such a young age.
From what I’ve gleaned, our polarization is a prehistoric reflex we develop to ensure our safety and security; once we learn to distinguish the presence of objects outside of ourselves, we start categorizing them into good and bad, nice and mean, right and wrong.
Of course, we need to differentiate if something is good for us or not, however when it starts influencing our inner states of well-being or ‘rightness’, it may have become a little excessive.
Let me share one of my own typical personal default settings. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do when arriving in the kitchen is to scan for orderliness and cleanliness. If it doesn’t meet my standards, I start putting things away.
Why? Otherwise I just can’t relax.
Okay, so you’re saying you’re the same as your student?
Yes, guess so!
You may now well ask: what can you do about it?
I must admit it’s not an easy reconfiguration to make. However, my university class is challenging me: what belief does that discomfort stem from? What is the deep-down need that is being jeopardized?
Ouch! For me, I realized that I was taught: work, before play; you can go out once you’ve done your chores; you have to clean your room before you can go and play.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
Good work ethic, but is it always realistic, to keep everything in order, structured, under control? No, it would perhaps be healthier to learn to accept that I can’t always be in control, that there’s a time for everything.
Upon deeper thought, I realized that that work ethic was instilled in me at a time that it equated acceptance and love, and a sense of security.
Yikes! Does that mean my OCD could stem from that?
Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I’m just saying our behaviors sometimes stem from a deeper belief that may not be entirely appropriate now that you’re an adult.
Does that mean anyone’s OCD stems from that?
Only they know that! Maslow’s pyramid of needs refer to physiological, security, love & belonging, self-esteem, fulfillment, and transcendence. Only they can know what need was at stake when they developed the automatic behavior, which instilled a foundational belief that would guide future action.
Final thought: when you’re getting all worked up from the visual chaos, you might want to ask yourself:
Why am I getting so worked up? When did I start reacting like that? What is the underlying belief?
Maybe it’s time to let it go and be a little more realistic – and at the same time become a little easier to live or work with!
Does your inner level of stress grow in proportion to the outer mess? How do you deal with it?
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Cheers, and keep learning!