Outer mess, inner stress?

“Tell me something you don’t like”, I asked my student.

“I don’t like when things are messy.”

“”Really”, I responded, “why? “

I don’t know.”

“Okay, well, what does it make you feel?”

“No idea.”

“You just don’t like it. You prefer when things are in their place, organized, structured?”

“Yes, let’s say I arrive at someone’s house and it’s a mess. I feel like taking a huge garbage bag and shoving it all in! “

I wasn’t really surprised. She works in administration. It’s her job. But also, I surmised, a part of her personality. Someone who likes everything in their right place.

Right place. What a concept! Is it possible we polarize things right down to our belongings?

Reflecting on ideas I’ve been reading from Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, Tsoknyi Rinpoche and from my Authentic Leadership course at university, I mused on that right and wrong reflex we develop from such a young age.

From what I’ve gleaned, our polarization is a prehistoric reflex we develop to ensure our safety and security; once we learn to distinguish the presence of objects outside of ourselves, we start categorizing them into good and bad, nice and mean, right and wrong.

Of course, we need to differentiate if something is good for us or not, however when it starts influencing our inner states of well-being or ‘rightness’, it may have become a little excessive.

Let me share one of my own typical personal default settings. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do when arriving in the kitchen is to scan for orderliness and cleanliness. If it doesn’t meet my standards, I start putting things away.

Why? Otherwise I just can’t relax.

Okay, so you’re saying you’re the same as your student?

Yes, guess so!

You may now well ask: what can you do about it?  

I must admit it’s not an easy reconfiguration to make. However, my university class is challenging me: what belief does that discomfort stem from? What is the deep-down need that is being jeopardized?

Ouch! For me, I realized that I was taught: work, before play; you can go out once you’ve done your chores; you have to clean your room before you can go and play.  

Do any of these sound familiar to you?

Good work ethic, but is it always realistic, to keep everything in order, structured, under control? No, it would perhaps be healthier to learn to accept that I can’t always be in control, that there’s a time for everything.  

Upon deeper thought, I realized that that work ethic was instilled in me at a time that it equated acceptance and love, and a sense of security.

Yikes! Does that mean my OCD could stem from that?

Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I’m just saying our behaviors sometimes stem from a deeper belief that may not be entirely appropriate now that you’re an adult.

Does that mean anyone’s OCD stems from that?

Only they know that! Maslow’s pyramid of needs refer to physiological, security, love & belonging, self-esteem, fulfillment, and transcendence. Only they can know what need was at stake when they developed the automatic behavior, which instilled a foundational belief that would guide future action.

Final thought: when you’re getting all worked up from the visual chaos, you might want to ask yourself:

Why am I getting so worked up?  When did I start reacting like that? What is the underlying belief?

Maybe it’s time to let it go and be a little more realistic – and at the same time become a little easier to live or work with!   

Does your inner level of stress grow in proportion to the outer mess? How do you deal with it?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Cheers, and keep learning!

Claire :o)

[Photo: Conrado/Shutterstock]

When saying good-bye is hard to do

There must be around ten people who have left the company lately‘, complained one of my students this week, as he went on to admit that he found it hard.  

As I asked questions, his colleague joined the conversation and I could feel the turmoil, questioning and well, sadness at the state of affairs.

Although we all agreed that employee movement is a regular occurrence at work, saying good-bye to a well-appreciated team-mate and fellow employee is never easy.

Memories of shared jokes, frustrations and achievements accomplished together add to the bittersweet nature of the event. On the one hand, you’re happy for the colleague who is embarking on a new professional adventure, yet on the other hand, their absence will be sorely missed.

New employees will come in with fresh ideas, different points of view and alternate ways to do things. A period of transition may affect the morale and productivity of the team.

Back home, I was working on translating a guide to grief. I couldn’t help but notice the parallels. I thought I’d share a few thoughts on navigating the post-departure phase of a friend and colleague.

Departures, much like death, are a fact of life.  Each employee, as each person revolving around a lost family member, had their own personal relationship with the co-worker, so each employee will therefore react differently to the loss. It’s important and normal to feel sad, just like in any grieving process.

Commemorating the event is a humane and essential way to mark the start of a new phase of life for the departing employee, but also the employees who are remaining at the job. 

  1. Take time to share ideas on how to best symbolize the departure of the employee. This will permit a variety of points of view that will reflect the different ways the departing colleague left their mark at their workplace.
  2. Allow people who wish to make a special homage or write a special message in a collective card to do it so they can express their feelings in a personal way.
  3. Remind colleagues that it’s normal and okay to talk about the person who has left in the days and weeks that follow. Obviously, the essential thing is that it doesn’t affect their work.
  4. Lastly, no-one knows what challenges a fellow employee is dealing with both at home and at work. A departure can be the straw that breaks the camels back, that triggers existential questioning and perhaps even bouts of anxiety and depression. In that case, it is important to ask the RH department for advice on employee help services.  

In case you were wondering if I know what I’m talking about, I myself had to say good-by to one of my favourite colleagues ever just last week over dinner and drinks. It was sad, but I’m happy for her considering she is going to take on a wonderful new opportunity in a new city with her beau. I’ll miss her for sure, but I’m already on the look out for new colleagues to develop close relationships with – not to replace her (no-one can do that!) – but just to enhance the workplace feels.

A departure needn’t disrupt workplace harmony and well-being. It can be an event that ushers in new possibilities and horizons. 

How have you coped with the departure of a colleague friend? What worked best for you? Share it in the Comments section below!

Cheers to you Charlie, and keep learning!

Claire :O)

Teachers, you lead your students, but do you lead yourself, too?

Brené Brown defines a leader as one who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes and has the courage to develop that potential (Dare to Lead, Random House, NY, 2018, p. 4).

That is what you, as a teacher, do every day. In and out of the classroom, during school hours and after, when the course is running or not, in front of students or away from them. It is inherent in your genetic make-up.

You just can’t get away from it: you care.  

You spend hours poring over material, lesson plans, tests and report cards – and even more hours wondering how your students are doing, hoping they are okay, trying to figure out ways to reach them and help them understand and to know you have their best interests at heart.

You can’t help it: you care.

You do your best to meet ministerial requirements, parental demands, administrative conditions and colleague criteria. You go out of your way to keep up to date, to adapt and adjust despite seasonal illnesses, emotional upsets, physiological trials and relational challenges.

You have no choice: you care.

Your determination is greater than your circumstances, your commitment stronger than your frustration and your calling more sacred than the beckoning pleasures.

No two ways about it: you care.

However, you spend a lot of time caring for others so they can reach their potential, but have you thought about how you’re going to lead and care for yourself this year?

Sharing is caring. Let the community know below. We’ll all be better for it!

Cheers!

– Claire xx

Three Questions & A Birthday

Why can’t I say Happy Anniversary when it is someone’s birthday?”, many an ESL student has asked me.

That’s a great question and one that merits a post about to explain the answer – especially since I just attended a very special birthday celebration for someone close who was celebrating 90 years (name withheld to protect the identity of the person in question. Don’t ask!)   

Here’s the deal. The definitions of the words will help us out.  

Question 1: What’s the difference between the words birthday and anniversary?

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, an anniversary is defined as: the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event.

In English-language culture, this applies to notable event such as the following: the founding of a company, a wedding, a graduation, a natural disaster… however, it does not apply to a birthday! (Unless you want to say: Happy Anniversary of your birth!)  

A birthday, by definition, again according to the online Cambridge Dictionary is: the day that is exactly a year or number of years after a person was born.

So, if you want to wish someone well on the day they are born, the term that is used is birthday, not anniversary.

Question 2: Are there any other ways to say Happy Birthday?

Ah-ha! Another great question. You could say any of these:

  • Best wishes for the day!
  • Enjoy your day!
  • Have fun on your special day!
  • Many happy returns (British)!
  • May your day be filled with love, laughter and joy!

Of course, there are as many ways to wish someone a happy birthday as there are people. I won’t even try to list them here (just google Ways to say Happy Birthday for more).

Question 3: Are birthdays really that important?

I added this as the third question because the person who we celebrated this past week would have preferred us not to celebrate their special day, especially not talk about the number of years being celebrated.

My answer to this question is a resounding yes! Yes, yes, yes! Please celebrate your birthday and the birthday of those around you! A life is important, precious and unique. There is only one day in the entire year dedicated to celebrating the presence of that person on this planet and in your life.

Each person arrives in our existence for a reason. Yes, I believe that those skeptics and cynics may smirk and scoff. What reason you may ask? There is no one-size fits all answer.

The answers to that precise question lies in what makes you so incredibly unique. Your contribution, albeit by your mere presence in the lives of those around you are what make celebrating your existence so essential.

  • What are your strengths?
  • What are your special abilities?
  • What are your talents?
  • What makes you laugh?
  • What moves you to tears?
  • What kind of music makes you want to get up and dance?

Your contribution, albeit by your mere presence, in the lives of those around you are what make celebrating your existence so essential. The number of years is inconsequential to your specialness.

I’ll leave the final point to Dr. Seuss, who always knows how to say things so eloquently!

It basically comes down to the fact that celebrating your birthday is a day to honour you, not your achievements or non-achievements, that you are, not what you are or aren’t.

Thanks for dropping in to read. What do you think: Why are birthdays important to you? Or are they? I’d love to hear what the youer-than-you has to say!

Cheers, and keep on learning!

Claire :o)

ESL Mixologist: What’s the deal?

I am never just teaching an English class! I am on the lookout for new insights or epiphanies I may have while talking about vocab, grammar or functional language.

ESL Mixologist is all about my journey as an ESL teacher who just can’t get over the serendipitous glimpses into the parallel universe of philosophy while teaching language learners.

It is an endless source of amazement for me to see how a verb tenses reveal psychological realities (example: Are you living in the present continuous or the simple past?!); word meanings disclose unexpected portals into past civilizations and faraway existences (example: courage comes from the Latin word cor meaning heart, or as Brené Brown explains, telling one’s story whole-heartedly); and discussion topics (example: If you were a star, what would you ask for from the show organizers?) open the mind to whole new possibilities and dreams.    

Just as a savvy mixologist combines sweet, sour and alcohol to create daring new taste experiences, ESL Mixologist takes you inside my language teacher’s mind where I experiment with continually changing combinations of syntax, semantics and pragmatics, to gain insights into some of life’s more major questions.  

Syntax (Structure)

Language: According to Google dictionary, syntax is “the arrangement of words and phrases to create well-formed sentences in a language.

Life: How can I get my life better organized for optimal enjoyment?  How does this all work?

Semantics (Meaning)

Language: Secondly, semantics (quoting the Google dictionary), “involves the branch of linguistics or logic concerned with meaning.

Life: What is meaningful to me? What is really important? What does this experience mean?

Pragmatics (Use)

Language: Finally, pragmatics (from the Google dictionary again) is “the branch of linguistics dealing with language in use and the contexts in which it is used […] text organization, presupposition, and implicature.

Life: What should I do? How do I deal with this situation? What do I say?

I never thought that teaching ESL could be so stimulating. It is so much more than vocab lists and grammar rules, handouts and tests. For me, it’s all about teaching (and learning) to initiate and maintain connections. What could be more meaningful than that?

Cheers, and keep learning!

Claire :o)

How can grammar improve your summer work experience?

My students wandered in — late, fewer than usual, not as bright and bouncy as usual, but faithful to their weekly summer English class.

“What are the advantages to working during the summer?”, I asked them, perhaps a little precociously. They looked at me like I was out of my mind, so I explained.

“This is the first time in 15 years I’m working during the summer. As a schoolteacher, I usually have the summer off”. They leant in. I continued.

“So, I was thinking about it the other day and was thinking about what was positive about working while others are on vacation”.

I listed as an example, socializing with colleagues, having fun listening to music or playing games while learning, having an extra reason to get up and get dressed in the morning…

The two answers they gave me were a) money and b) there are no positive sides to working during the summer.

Oh boy! Back to the title of the article: how can grammar improve your summer work experience?

What about a little lesson in modals? Let’s take the three-letter modal: can.

What can you do?

I agree, it’s no fun when you have to pick up after your colleague who’s gone to Italy for two weeks, or have lunch in a cafeteria that’s quieter than usual, or go the coffee machine and realize you’re standing there alone instead of having a great conversation about cars, the kids or your latest purchases at Costco.

But on the other hand, if you look a little closer there may be some perks to working in semi-isolation:

You can concentrate more, you can get to know a new colleague or two you hadn’t noticed before, you can catch up (WOW! Yes!), you can find a new way to do things, you can enjoy your lunch outside, and the list goes on.

What do you think? What do you find you can do during the slower summer months that the frantic pace of the fall-winter season would never allow?  

Cheers, and keep learning!

Claire :o)

3 Reasons to Savor the Summer Solstice

Got to admit it, I didn’t know much about the Summer Solstice. Yet the more I Googled, the more I learned, and the more I realized that this is a date to celebrate.

1. Summer has arrived!

The word solstice comes from Latin and basically means the day the sun stands still (solstitium: sol – sun; stit – stand). Scientifically speaking, it is when in the Northern Hemisphere the sun hits its northernmost point (called aphelion), thus causing June 21 to mark the longest day, the shortest night and the beginning of summer.  

2. Love is in the air!   

Ever heard of Puck? He was the mischievous hobgoblin (a bizarre-looking fairy) who turns a man’s head into that of a donkey’s and mistakenly spreads a love potion on the wrong suitor so he falls in love with the wrong girl in Shakespeare’s comic play A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream. Just think: that means he wrote an entire play just to underscore the importance of the summer solstice!

The question is: why would Shakespeare have chosen this event? He obviously knew what he was doing! In many countries in both ancient and more modern times, people celebrate courtship and romance with many rituals and traditions, such as jumping over bonfires as a couple (Sweden), floating wreaths to snag an eligible bachelor (Poland) or leaving a personal belonging beneath fig trees as they dream of marriage (Greece), or contemplate the marriage of the Earth and the Sun over the circle of rocks at Stonehenge (England).   

3. Great food abounds!  

For those who live off the earth, the Summer Solstice marks the beginning of a season of growth and imminent harvest. Spring planting and rain have prepared the crops, and the heat caused by the sun’s position above the earth means that farmers will begin harvesting soon, and enjoy the fruit of their labor, in both food and income.

Of course, if you’re an urban citizen, like I am, it means the heady delight of local market produce and country drives to purchase freshly picked fruit and vegetables that actually taste like the fruit or vegetable their physical form denotes!

I don’t know about you, but it sounds like all the ingredients for a party! Savoring warm temperatures, love and friendship, and delicious food is what summer is all about. So how are you celebrating the arrival of summer?

Cheers, and keep learning!

Claire :o)

[References: https://www.etymonline.com/word/solstice; https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/summer-solstice-world-traditions/index.html; https://www.themanual.com/culture/what-is-summer-solstice/; https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/21/summer-solstice-celebration-facts-longest-day-year/721004002/ https://www.sparknotes.com/shakespeare/msnd/character/puck/; https://www.space.com/june-solstice-northern-summer-2019.html; Photo Credit: Tatsiana Hrak/Shutterstock]